


Day 1 (Let’s Talk About Sex)

by MarmeLady_Orange



Series: Shipped Anonymous [2]
Category: Criminal Minds, Sherlock (TV), Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Supernatural, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe Crossover, But it’s not angsty, Conversations about gender, Conversations about sexuality, It kind of became more serious, M/M, Much less cracky than the first one, OFC is from OUR reality, Still a bit funny I think, Trigger for gender dysphoria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-03-02 16:25:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2818661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarmeLady_Orange/pseuds/MarmeLady_Orange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Okay… So, who has ever had sexy thoughts about their friend here?”<br/>Liz Patrickson, psychotherapist for "Shipped Anonymous", has dropped the first bomb on her all-male guests. Now let’s see how Destiel, Moreid, Spirk, Johnlock, and Stony might be reacting to that. It’s not like they can leave the place, can they?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Day 1 (Let’s Talk About Sex)

**Author's Note:**

> I know it took a long time for this to come, and I’m sorry. But Fall has been pretty busy. Still, as promised, here’s a follow up piece to Day 1 (An Introduction). I now realize there will need to have more than just one or two… these guys seem to have a LOT to say, even though it’s not always relevant. 
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Please keep in mind that whatever you will read might or might not be compliant with your views of your favourite ships. And also keep in mind that it’s not finished yet, so whatever our boys say now, it might just change in a future chapter.
> 
> DISCLAIMER #2: You might notice I put a "Trigger for Gender Dysphoria" tag. I don’t know much about how this could happen, quite honestly. There’s a small part of the "therapy" that has to do with genders and perceptions. I think it’s pretty light but since I don’t know what could trigger someone, I opted to at least warn you guys about the characters brushing the subject.
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you guys for reading, I hope you will like it. :)
> 
> .

“Okay… So, who has ever had sexy thoughts about their friend here?”

As expected, most men are stunned silent by Liz’s question. It’s always difficult to get truthful answers this early in the game, especially with so many _bros_ around. She lets her gaze travel around the room, trying to determine if any of them would be on the verge of answering. She notices the amusement in Tony Stark’s eyes and stops on him, knowing he could be the best person to break the ice.

“How about you, Mr. Stark? Ever had sexy thoughts about your friend here?”

A grin appears on Tony’s face, his eyes sparkling. “Depends what you mean by sexy thoughts, doc,” he answers, not hiding his amusement.

“Anything that makes you feel funny in the pants,” Dean offers, which grants him with an annoyed look by the engineer.

“Thanks for that, _Dean_. I had _no_ idea.”

Dejected by Iron Man’s irony – ha! –, Dean crosses his arms on his chest and huffs.

“To answer your question, I guess the answer could be yes.” Tony doesn’t pay attention to his companion’s surprised gasp and goes on. “Do you know what they did to this man? He was this little frail guy and he became this… this huge and super fit dude. I had to at least wonder about his dong, if only for comparison purposes.”

“Stark… that’s… huh…” Steve mutters, his face crimson red.

“I really would have liked to see before and after pictures,” he says over his friend’s attempted protest. “But tell me, did it change at all?” The heavy silence prompts the engineer to turn his attention back to the room. Everyone seems a bit stunned, although never as much as Steve himself. “What? I’m curious, sue me! But you know whom I’m _really_ curious about? Banner!”

“Did you ever see it? The Hulk’s dick?” Dean feels the need to ask.

“Interested, are we?” is all Tony chooses to share before looking back at his friend. “Don’t worry, Cap, your little patriot’s safe with me.”

Someone clears their throat. “Yeah… I was curious too when I met Spock. I wondered about his… thing.” Everyone turns their attention to Captain Kirk. “He’s an alien after all. That was enough for me to wonder how it worked down there.”

“You know my morphology is similar to yours, Jim. Our reproductive organs are very much comparable. That I am half human should have been a good enough clue of that fact.”

“I’m not a geneticist, Spock, I don’t know how that stuff works,” Captain Kirk defends himself.

Silence is quick to fill the room again, most _couples_ looking uncomfortable now. The last thing Liz wants to do is force her patients to speak up but this particular group doesn’t seem to be that open about their thoughts and feelings. Still, she feels she might have at least one ally in Derek Morgan. Even before she gets to single him out, he catches her stare on him and sighs.

“All right, I’ll go next. So, no, I haven’t have _sexy thoughts_ about Reid. Well, not in the way you would like to imply anyway.” He turns to his colleague, choosing to speak _to_ him instead of _about_ him. “When we met, I have to admit I thought you were asexual.”

An amused Spencer’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. “Really? And what was it that changed your mind?”

“Well, there was your not so subtle crush on JJ, for starters,” Derek says with a knowing smile. “And then you hooked up with Lila Archer. That, my friend, was impressive.”

The younger agent smiles and nods, somewhat pleased to have the BAU’s heartthrob show some sort of deference towards his affair with the popular singer. “I haven’t thought about him sexually either,” Spencer replies directly to the therapist. “I know he’s handsome, of course, everyone with the gift of sight knows that. Not before now, anyway. After planting the idea in our minds, I guarantee that every single one of us has now pictured sex with our partners, whether we want to or not. And if I have to be honest, I don’t find the idea to be so repulsive… I’ve had worse things happen to me.

While Derek erupts in laughter, some of the other men seem to be on the verge of protesting Spencer’s affirmation. Still, not one of them dares to speak up because they know he’s right.

“I have thought about Dean that way,” decides to provide Castiel, also addressing the therapist directly. “And I know he did as well.”

“What the hell, Cas…?” Dean sputters, his mouth suddenly very dry.

“I mean, you remember how adamant you were for me to lose my virginity, right? So, obviously, you had sexual thoughts about me.”

“Cas, that’s not what the doc means. I wondered about your sexuality, I’ll give you that, but I didn’t… you know… think of you – us, whatever – having sex.”

“But you did. I once walked into your dream and…”

“Shut the fuck up,” the hunter spits. “Dreams are private, Cas… and they’re just dreams, all right? It’s not like you can control—”

“Actually, dreams can—” Liz starts.

“Lady, you’re lucky I can’t get up from this couch because I swear I’d punch the perfect out of your face.”

“I’d like to see you try hitting a woman while I’m around,” Steve menaces, sending a dark glare to the hunter.

“You and me both, friend,” Derek adds, eyeing the hunter.

“Count me in,” Watson spits, just as unimpressed as the others.

“Jeez, guys… it was just a figure of speech,” Dean argues, choosing not to tell them how he’s punched – and killed – his fair share of women. To be fair, they had been monsters so he feels he was entitled to. And he’s pretty certain that this frigid witch is one too.

“Now, now, please hush… No harm, no foul, right?” Liz intervenes, he perfectly painted lips set in a tight smile. “Who’s next?”

“I thought you wouldn’t force us to talk,” Watson asks, suspicious.

“I’m only asking to move things along. I take that you’d rather not answer?”

“Listen to me carefully, yeah? I. Am. Bloody. Married.” Satisfied, he crosses his arms and leans back in the sofa.

“You still fantasize, don’t you?” Tony asks, the question sounding more like an affirmation.

“He’s right, you know. Everyone fantasizes,” surmises Sherlock.

“Everyone? How about you, Holmes? Do _you_ fantasize?”

“We were talking about you, Watson.”

“And now we’re talking about you.”

Both men stop talking, glaring at one another.

“Many scholars believe Sir Arthur Conan Doyle intended for Sherlock Holmes to be asexual, would it be by choice or design. Would this be accurate?” Spencer asks the detective, elated to have the opportunity to ask the man himself. So what if he’s a figment of his imagination?

“Doc, I think changing the subject would be good right about now,” Derek says, seeing his friend’s question being met with assassin stares.

“Indeed, thank you, Derek. Let’s discuss something still relevant but less incriminating, shall we?” She waits, making sure all eyes are back on her. “I would very much like to know what your thoughts are on alternative lifestyles.”

“Alternative lifestyles?” Steve asks.

“Yes. Homosexuality, bisexuality, asexuality, anything that would be deemed unconventional.”

“Unconventional?” This time it’s Castiel who parrots the therapist’s words, his head tipped on one side and eyes squinted. “What would you consider to be conventional?”

“Well, you know… a man and a woman.” When she remembers he once was an angel, she specifies “Adam and Eve?”.

“Both have been dead for a very long time, more or less. But I would think what you are referring to is reproduction. You must already know that humans will engage in sexual acts without feeling the need to procreate, so either party’s gender nomination is quite unimportant. In that regard, any type of sexuality should be regarded as conventional. I assure you God doesn’t care, whatever you think the bible says about it.”

Spencer Reid turns his attention towards the angel. “I don’t know how things work where you come from, but in our reality it can still be problematic to be in such relationships. People are still often struggling with the acceptance of their own sexual identities, while others still view anything but heterosexuality and living as per their birth-assigned gender as a punishable offense. We’ve seen enough sexual crimes happen to know this.”

“Yeah, it’s the same with us, dude,” Dean provides. “It’s just that Cas hasn’t been human for long so he doesn’t really get it, you know?”

Castiel turns to Dean. “I don’t see how being human or not should be taken into account. Don’t you agree with me?”

Spencer doesn’t let the hunter answer and jumps back in. “I think that what you are depicting is an ideal situation, but it’s far removed from reality. You said it yourself, mankind has been misinterpreting the word of God, and since the beginning of times—”

“All right, thank you Spencer,” Liz interrupts him, preferring not to let Dr Reid lose himself in another one of his rhetorics. “I think it’s been established that religion and alternative lifestyles don’t mesh well. What I want is your own thoughts about it, whatever they are.”

“Your question only seems to be taking into account a binary type of sexuality.” All the attention shifts to Spock. “You might like to know that there are a lot more genres than just two. Even humans are not as binary as you may think. Not only that, but not every species procreate in the same manner, so your propensity to put us all in little binary-human-boxes can be somewhat insulting.”

“As Castiel accurately stated a minute ago, this has nothing to do with procreation. Right now, I am only wondering what your views on sexuality are.” The therapist closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, starting to regret having started this session altogether. “Let’s amend the question then. What are your thoughts on sexuality, at large, with all the genres and types mixed up? Do you believe in traditional pairings, whatever they may be for you, or do you just don’t care at all?”

“I’m not an alien. I’m a human and I was raised in the belief than men and women belong together. And that we should wait for marriage before engaging in sexuality,” Steve Rogers professes.

“You were born in the 1920’s, Cap. You views of the world are a tiny bit out-of-date,” replies Tony, less derisive than he could have been.

“No, I know that. I still have a lot to learn about the ways of the twenty-first century. Of course, I knew about homosexuality but… it was mostly kept in the shadows, is what I’m trying to say.”

“And how do you deal with that? With the fact that it’s not hidden anymore… or with the fact that people think you are in a sexual relationship with your male friend?” Liz asks.

Once more, Captain America’s cheeks and ears flush red. “I… I don’t mind what people do in their personal lives, but it doesn’t mean I wish to know. As for the other thing, well… Stark is a brilliant and nice looking man, I should be flattered I imagine.”

“Of course you should be,” Tony provides, smiling wide. “You’re not so bad yourself, Cap. I am honoured to have been thrown in this boat with you.” He turns to the therapist and winks. “See what I did there, Doc?”

“Yes, very clever, Mr. Stark…” she says in a huff. “But, how about you? What do you think about…” she hesitates, glancing towards Spock. His expression doesn’t give anything, as stoic as it was the moment he appeared on the sofa. “What do you think about the various types of sexuality out there?”

“I say the more, the merrier. Why should I care how people use their private parts? As long as everyone’s old enough and consenting, you might as well do what you like.”

“That’s something that I intended on pointing out as well,” Derek says, nodding. “I was to make sure we were talking about sexuality and not deviances. Like kids, you know?”

“Of course,” Liz agrees, “I never intended on this to be about anything but consenting adults. Still, thank you both for pointing it out.”

“And yet you had a kid in here earlier,” Watson says. “And before you ask, I don’t care what people do in their own bedrooms, I just don’t feel the need to know. Still, people should stop assuming that I’m gay. Honestly.”

“Watson, you might want to stop defending yourself so much,” Sherlock chides him. “All that denial can only make you look suspicious, like you’re hiding something.”

“Doesn’t it bother you?” Watson asks his friend, ignoring the other men’s agreeing nods and hums.

“What? That people think I may be in a relationship with you? Why would it? We are indeed in a relationship, aren’t we?” A couple of gasps can be heard, which seems to be confusing the detective. “You people know that a relationship does not _have_ to be a sexual one, right? We are friends. We were roommates before. This is, by definition, a relationship.”

“They have another word for that, you know? It’s called friendship,” Watson grouses. “And it’s less confusing too.”

“And how about you, Mr. Holmes? Any particular opinion about sexuality?” the therapist asks, hoping things would move along.

“Not really. Unless it’s relevant of course, but it usually isn’t. Just like my own shouldn’t be anybody’s business. It is unimportant.”

“Or non existent, maybe?” Spencer tries to ask again.

“Dr. Reid, please tell us about your own views instead of harassing Mr. Holmes, would you?”

“Unlike Sherlock Holmes, I find sexuality to be extremely important. An individual’s sexuality and true genre, whatever it may be, lies at the core of who they are. In behavioural analysis, it’s vital information to have or deduce. Of course, on a personal level, this is not something that will matter to me at all. I don’t even consider myself to be heterosexual, honestly. I may be more of a heteroflexible. Or panflexible maybe…”

“Huh… the things we learn, right?” Derek says with a soft smile. “I could say I think exactly like Reid on it all… except for the flexibility thing. I’m not flexible. I couldn’t… I’m not going to expand on that but… I just know I don’t have it in me.”

Derek turns to Spencer who only gives him a short understanding nod. He doesn’t want to say more than that, and he certainly doesn’t feel the need to tell the others about his past abuse. But his friend knows and he understands, which is all that matters to him.

Clearly, Liz understands too as she doesn’t press the issue and shifts the attention of the room to another participant. “How about you, Dean? What do you think about it all?”

“I don’t really care, you know? Hell, my best friend’s a lesbian, so—”

“I’m not a lesbian,” intervenes Castiel.

“I’m talking about Charlie, Cas. You’re my best guy friend… she’s the girl version.”

“Oh, I understand. Please continue.”

“So yeah, I don’t really care. I’m not saying I understand how everyone likes what they like, but it has nothing to do with me. Hell, I know some guy whose girlfriend’s a dog, so—”

“That’s unnecessarily mean, don’t you think? Why do you care if a girl isn’t to your standards?” Steve spits, appalled.

“What? Dude, I’m not saying she’s ugly, it’s just… she’s an actual _dog_. Well, she’s a familiar actually. A witch’s companion?” All Dean sees in the room are confused expressions. “She’s a chick, but she’s also a dog, she can go back and forth between the two… whatever… she’s a shifter and this guy I know is boning her.”

“Don’t forget about Benny. Dean was friends with a vampire,” Castiel provides for the group.

“Friends, yeah… nothing more,” Deans blurts, wide-eyed. “Anyway, what I mean is… there’s someone for everyone out there, that’s all.”

“I do agree,” says Spock. “The universe is too vast and rich to confine yourself in such petty barriers.” He looks around and remembers whom it is he’s talking to. “Well, it is for us anyway. You all seem to just be stuck on this one planet. How about you, Jim? You are fully human after all. Do you share their limitations?”

“You very well know I don’t, Spock.”

Spock doesn’t respond, turning his attention back to the room, quickly imitated by his friend. Liz is looking at her notes to see where they should be going from there when Dean’s voice booms, startling her.

“No shit! Really?”

When Liz looks up at the hunter, she finds him over-excited and eyeing Jim and Spock like a kid would look at a Christmas tree.

“What?” Jim asks Dean, unsure why the other man would be looking at him with such glee.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me. Charlie’s never get over this,” Dean guffaws, slapping his thigh.

“Are you alright, Dean?” Castiel asks in a low voice.

“Hell yeah, I am. Kirk and Spock are actually doing the nasty,” declares Dean proudly.

“So?” Derek asks, quirking an eyebrow.

“Yeah… you don’t get it, do you? These guys… they’re not _supposed_ to be together. They’ve never been, not on TV and not in the movies. This is _huge_.”

“Good for you to finally have figured it out, but what’s the point of calling them on it? Do you get off on this stuff?” Derek asks again, brows knitted.

“What? Of course not, it’s just… it’s… Cas, help me out,” the hunter pleads. “Wait, what do you mean, finally?” Dean says again, not waiting for his friend to answer.

“Reid and I are profilers, it’s kind of our job to read people.”

“Reading people is also my specialty. I obviously knew the moment I saw them,” Sherlock Holmes adds, pretty happy with himself.

“You’re totally wrong, guys,” Kirk says with a smirk. “We’re not like that. Tell them, Spock.”

“I’m in a romantic relationship with Uhura, not Jim,” explains the Vulcan.

“That’s what you—”

“Dean, would you just leave them be?” the therapist intervenes, cutting the hunter off. “And everyone else, please refrain from commenting on the others’ relationships. All I ask is that you share your personal experiences, not judge the others. Can you do that?”

When the men nod in assent, Liz closes her notebook and smiles.

“I don’t know about you, but I am famished. You’ve all worked real hard, let’s have lunch.”

“What are we having?” Dean asks, already salivating.

“I’ll bring in an assortment of sandwiches, chips, crudités and soft drinks. Sound good?”

“Couldn’t we get beer instead?”

“I want you guys focused, not—”

“Actually, you might have more relaxed people if you served beers,” Derek says, agreeing with Dean.

“Derek, you were here yesterday, my answer is the same as it was then. Non-alcoholic beverages only,” Liz says in a firm tone before leaving the room.

“I don’t know about you guys but I’ve had enough of this,” Tony Stark asks, not smiling for the first time that day.

“Same here, dude,” Dean confirms, failing to see the point of this whole thing.

“I actually kind of like it,” Castiel provides, relaxing in his seat. “I find all this interaction very interesting. I am learning a lot.”

“Good for you,” Watson spits. “But I don’t see the point of us being here. Talking about it all day won’t make me fancy Sherlock any more than I do know.”

“Ha! So you do _fancy_ him,” Tony says, smiling again.

“You know that’s not what I said,” Watson counters with a frown. “Don’t put words into my mouth.”

“So what if you did, honestly?” Tony says again, glad to have found someone to banter with.

“So nothing, but I don’t. Why is it so hard to accept? I can’t help how other people view us but once we set them straight, I would expect them to respect that.”

“I gotta say, dude… I’ve seen your show and you guys… there’s something there, you know?”

Everyone looks at Dean, questions in their eyes. “I mean… see, I’m not saying you guys are together but it’s clear you guys like each other a whole lot.”

“Of course we do… we’re _friends_ ,” John emphasizes in a menacing tone.

“Yeah, well… Sherlock might like you a bit more than you think. Have you seen how he looks at you?” Dean insists, unable to stop himself. It’s enough for him to start wondering if he’s being possessed by Charlie’s spirit.

“Dean, didn’t I just ask you all not to pass judgment on your counterparts’ relationships?” they hear Liz say as she walks in the door pushing an overflowing service cart. “If you want to talk about how people look at each other, I think we should start with you and Castiel.”

The hunter turns to Cas with a questioning look. “We don’t look at each other in any particular way,” he asserts, trying to convey to his friend how he should be objecting too.

A couple of sniggers erupt. “You might want to look away, then. You guys are making us all pretty uncomfortable right now,” Kirk says before laughing with the others.

“That’s not—” Dean starts before being interrupted by Castiel’s light patting on his knee. Dean growls and pushes the hand away, making the others laugh even more.

“Now you see why I ask you to keep your opinions to yourselves,” Liz says with a smirk as she starts giving out food and beverages. “While we eat, I would like for everyone to start thinking about how you might answer this afternoon’s question.”

As everyone suddenly regains some kind of seriousness, the therapist’s words make Derek laugh even more. “Same as yesterday, doc?”

“Indeed.” As she offers the sandwich platter to Captain Kirk, she sees Spock quirk an eyebrow. “Don’t worry, I have prepared a vegan sandwich for you,” she says as she hands him his special lunch.

“I’m impressed that you’d now Spock doesn’t appreciate meat,” Jim says with a smile.

“I know my patients, Captain. I know this like I know that Mr Winchester loves pies and that burgers make Castiel really happy. I also know that Mr Rogers loves hot-dogs, that Mr Holmes prefers breakfast, and that Dr Reid is a fan of Indian food. If it’s been shown, I know it.”

“Bet she doesn’t know what kind of pie I like best,” mumbles Dean around a mouthful of his ham and cheese sandwich. He would have preferred if she didn’t hear him but obviously he had failed at that.

“Pecan, Dean… pecan’s your favourite pie. But you’ll eat any kind.”

Without answering, Dean scowls at her and take another bite of his sandwich. When everybody has been served, the therapist prepares her own plate and sits back in her chair. Most men are eating and looking at her expectantly.

As she unwraps her sandwich, Liz smiles and makes them wait a bit before talking again. “What I would like you all to do now is to think about the man sitting beside you. Later, we will talk about how you truly feel about him, what you like and dislike.”

“Is this mandatory or do we still have a choice?” Watson asks, his lunch plate still untouched.

“You can decide to sit this question out, of course. However, I’d still recommend you take a second to think about it. Who knows what you might discover…”

Nobody says another word, most of them already having retreated in their own minds. Whatever they are really thinking about, nobody would ever know, but if the occasional side-glances are anything to go by, they are doing what Liz asked them to.

It’s with a smile on her lips that she takes a first bite of her sandwich. This session might not be entirely useless after all.

 

**Author's Note:**

> .
> 
> Copyright bla bla bla, nothing’s mine… you know the drill.
> 
> If you feel I have not portrayed something accurately, whatever it is, please let me know. I made the most research I could think of but I might have made mistakes or misinterpreted some stuff. Feel free to let me know.
> 
> And while I’m there… HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Please stay safe, the boys and I will want to see you again in 2015.


End file.
